Stopping the Flow of Dependent Origination
Photo: Buddhadāsa Indapañño Archives C0154
“My problem is that over the last few years I’ve spent much of my free time alone. Nothing wrong with that. And even though I have tried to capture the positive points of myself during this time, there is this strong feeling lurking in the background that I am not whole, or that I am less complete due to not having a meaningful loving relationship in my life; family excluded. If it matters I am not promiscuous. Any suggestions or methods to alleviate this feeling? Or gain a stronger sense of self?”
(Santikaro: We’ll not worry about the last phrase since that’s been adequately discussed. He definitely won’t tell you how to have a stronger sense of self!)
~ Response by Buddhadāsa Bhikkhu ~
First you should ask yourself carefully, whether you want or have a lover, or a husband or wife, for the sake of lessening self or for the sake of enlarging self or increasing self. Does one want a loving relationship in order to build up self, or to lessen self? If one is interested in a relationship or a lover, a husband, a wife, in order to lessen self then one won’t have any of these problems. If one is married, has a spouse, has a long-term loving relationship, just arrange it so that it’s a way – whether a relationship or a family – to lessen self, to get free of self, then there won’t be any problem.
When you’ve got a single self (attā), then you’ve only got one set of problems. But when you’ve got two attās, or a pair of selves, then you’ve doubled the amount of problems. So when there are two selves you have to be twice as intelligent, twice as wise, twice as skillful, and able to deal with the problems of those two selves. When one has only a single self to deal with, it’s easier, still difficult, but it’s easier. But if you’re going to have a lover or a husband or wife, and have two selves to deal with, you better find the intelligence and wisdom to be able to deal with the problems that arise from that.
If you look at it from one angle, the married life can be a life where ignorance is doubled. The foolishness of two people is put together, and there’s just a lot more ignorance. But one can also look at married life as combining the wisdom, the intelligence of wisdom, of both in order to solve the problems of self, in order to overcome the problems of life.
So it depends on how you look at marriage. What is your purpose and intention in entering a relationship? Does one do so through ignorance and just merely double the amount of stupidity? Or does one do so with wisdom in order to lessen self and get free of self? One can use marriage to double the amount of wisdom. The experience and intelligence of both can be put together to help deal with the problems of self, in order to get free of self. It’s how one looks at it.
If we live the married life incorrectly then it doubles stupidity, but if we live the married life correctly it doubles intelligence and wisdom. So please try to live the married life correctly so that there is more wisdom and less self.
From the retreat “Stopping the Flow of Dependent Origination,” as translated from the Thai by Santikaro
Dhamma Questions & Responses sessions were offered by Buddhadāsa Bhikkhu in 1990-1991 to foreign meditators attending Suan Mokkh International Dharma Hermitage courses.
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